Something To Tide You Over...

Originally Posted: August 5, 2008 - Tuesday

Things You Do...(A peNPushaz collabo) Category: Life We Back on...With or Without a New Blog Notifier, There's someone out there that needs this.... "You're Welcome....You're All Welcome..." note: This is really Lateef's blog, but we just keeping over at my blog...it's like it's both of ours... We All Like Things...™(blue) + oNe mAn gAng...® (red) PRESENT: The Things You Do * This is you joining us mid conversation… * I mean...I just don't understand the shit sometimes. You have these fake ass gurus trying to tell me what is supposed to go together and what's not? Who the fuck put skinny jeans on the Men's National "A-OK" list? So since the experts are saying this is what's cool, or wearing some "eccentric" shit will make you that nigga, I guess I just have to take my seat in the "Lame Nigga" section huh? I don't think you can be an expert though, fam. You like what you like, but some shit you just shouldn't like no matter what, you know? I'm not saying I'm the end all be all of what you should be wearing…but, well…fuck it. I am. If it's wack to me…then it's wack, period. Fuck it. I'm not giving niggas passes for trying to be "different." Fuck you. Real shit...niggas just don't know the ledge when trying to venture out with some Acme shit...it's a long drop to the bottom. I appreciate people trying to create their own lane and shit...but just because you're trying to go off-road with your bike doesn't mean you're gonna make it to the finish line first....shit it doesn't even mean you're gonna make it at all. Niggas hit that pothole called "wack" and don't know how to put the inner tube back on their fashion. No need to get all ExciteBike on some shit you think is hot...you're overheating. Pull to the side of the road. You really trying to bring the pre-chewed on trucker hats into popularity eh? Banish those niggas to the porch, where the dog who chewed on that very same hat are hanging out...maybe you can put your heads together and come up with an idea that doesn't smell like shit. Wear what I'm wearing the day after I wear it if you have to. These days niggas are looking extra queer…~ I mean, "different"*. Whether we're in Wrigley Field or The Verizon Center…I don't make concessions for niggas…or bitches. You're not Winterfresh and damn sure not in Orbit. I don't care how many people are behind you. So we shall throw out the Lifesaver and save a few Extra regular ass niggas…and bitches. editor's note: *He means Queer. SMH...did niggas even get that? He said "I don't make concessions for niggas or bitches"...then named off gum in relevant fashion...Concession...Stands? Gum? Wrigley Field? A Concession Stand selling Winterfresh gum in Wrigley Field? Don't care how many people...The Verizon guy...extended...fuck it. Enh....anyway, niggas always want you to provide them with the key to your closet and shit. No sir. Succeeding in "How to Dress" is a test; Hell the fuck no you can't have my key... The Re-Up Gang approved that message. Ladies first…(Chivalry isn't quite dead) Ladies, let's start with the head…per usual. You first…I promise I'll get you after… No? *sigh*....I guess I'll do it out of love for you girl... Ladies, please stop with these fucking transformations like 9 month pregnancies overnight. You start off as a bald headed chick with a nappy kitchen in the morning like you forgot to do the dishes...by 5 PM you're part Indian and Venezuelan. Stop it. There was a point in time where I thought that fake shit was supposed to be used to fool people...now people just look to you as the fool. To make matters worse, people who've never even seen you before know that shit is a weave basket...there's no spell bound music playing; you're not snaking shit. At least attempt to fool us ladies...is that so hard to ask? Indeed sir. There's this little word called "progression" that I like to use. Don't think you can go form India Arie to Rapunzel in the blink of an eye and expect me no to look at you Foolish…na na na na. You're not your hair because your hair isn't yours. Don't try to play games with me on some "This IS my real hair" shit…all adamant and fake offended. I'll take "No" for 200 Alex. I see you almost everyday and I don't know if you went to Hogwarts over the weekend, but there's no other way that your hair did that much growing in 2 days. So look, Ron Weavley, stop playing fly…this isn't Quidditch. No broom for you. What you should do is just go to the Little Shop of Horrors every week and get your weave lengthened appropriately. Get it to your ears, then to your neck, then to your shoulders, then to your back…now that's how you let the weave build, bitch! Past all that…I'm cool, but I'm not a fan. Roll with what you got. I'm more of a natural hair guy. And me being the coolest nigga in the world, you should probably think of what I like before you make any decision in life. Shit's a travesty...a crying shame. You all runnig around faking it and we aren't even in bed yet. I see you....I see you looking with those eyes that scream that you don't understand what the big deal is. Well, if tables were turned and men were able to be physically different than what they are, you'd be mad. Then you'd want to let it burn on some Tom from Boondocks shit...singing the same song, just way worse. Dudes don't have these magic tricks to pull magic tricks. Gut? Maybe this big shirt will fool her. Fucked up hairline? Fuck you. Beard won't grow in right? Rapist face. No 6 pack? No excuse. Women get to cheat on a whole lot of shit. My Mom always said, cheaters never win and winners never cheat…you're losing. Find your collective selves… Pro Nails Once again...Heaven only Knows why you chose to get nails so long that you can't even turn on the Radio. Show Me how you eat with a fork again? Maybe you think I'm that concerned...but allow me to speak for all the fellas: We Just Don't Care....not that much anyway. An inch or two of nail will suit you just fine...Coming Home with six inches of acrylic is not what's popping...until they're popping off. Did you really just do that?! Wow…anyway, yea…if you're looking like Gale Devers I'm sprinting that-a-way. I have a HUGE thing…about hands, pause…gee. I mean, that's the second thing I look at when I meet a girl, her hands. I hate dry, nigga like, hands. If you bite your nails and it looks like you do…ewww. If your hands feel like you work in a field instead of an office…ewww. Fuck are you doing all day?! Why are your hands more wrinkled than a Shar Pei? Pause, my hands are cool. Not too soft and crackerish…all mushy and shit. Not too, hard…like I'm a mason or something either. Ladies approve. If you're digit game is buns…lose my number. SMH...this guy...You're on a roll, keep going with the dice. How do you feel about the fake nail game? I don't like fake nails too much, but I will say that when a girl is fresh from the shop with the French jumpoffs…YIKES!! I love that shit. Getting topped off is 68 times better when a girl has a fresh mani…I don't even need to beat*. Straight up, it's great looking down and she has the grip with the nails all done up…going to town. It's just one of those things… Teef's edit: *This does not mean that I bust because the top was mean. Nope... Good head with cute hands make for a soft ass...or something like that ladies. But of course, leave it to some of you slores to take things too far...spoiling it instead of enjoying it...Cross country pizza delivery. Some of your nails look like you tried to recreate a Masterpiece all within the parameters of your index thru pinky nails....Lisa Mona....FAIL. Trying to replicate a Van Gogh on your ring finger nail is NOT poppin…at all. All that colorful, "It matches today because I have on my lime green skirt, but this is the only lime green shit I own, so I'll look stupid as Hell tomorrow" shit isn't flying with me. I'm not with it…just the French tip joints. Pretty, natural nails are go! Leggings Look...much like any of piece of clothing, leggings can't just be recklessly worn with any gotdamn thing you can fit them under. I've seen leggings and jean shorts, leggings and jean skirts, leggings and big tees, leggings and little tees, leggings and long dresses, leggings and short dresses, leggings with tube tops, leggings with fat legs, leggings with skinny legs, loose leggings, too tight leggings, leggings with baby doll shoes, leggings with Jordans, leggings scampi, leggings stew....phew...I feel like the Bubba Gump of this leggings shit. So let me just say this: not all choices are wise choices. In a box? With a fox? On a train? In a plane? I take leggings on a case by case basis. I'm not even going to make a sweeping statement about them. At times I love them…at time they piss me off. Fuckin Redskins. Some girls just wear leggings. My oh my, is that ever the shit when they have the proper body. But Sweet Jesus, when they don't… ...digusting. Heel Game is Hell No, I'm not talking about heels and the height and all that...I'm talking about the heels of feet sticking out past the threshold where flesh meets shoe. What in the dirty flip flop is the problem? Let's get the correct size please...shit's a mess. A complete and total mess. Where's the janitor? Past that, do alot of you women just NOT carry lotion in your duffel bags that you label "purses"? If so, you have no fucking excuse and need to have your foot exposure rights revoked immediately. If not? You need to have your foot exposure rights revoked immediately. Ashy heels are not what's good...in fact it's all bad. Ashy Larry's are usually the precursor to an ugly ass foot...on an ugly ass chick...who's got an ugly ass. Once I see the heel game is cracked like Jordan's 2nd year in the league, I'm sitting out the rest of the year. Ashy Larinettea's. How do you just neglect the whole below the ankle area, then come outside with flip flops? Foot Exposure Rights…are NOT to be taken for granted. I'm being serious here. Don't fuck around and get put on the Socks List for the whole summer. Having the cremated foot is inexcusable…totally. All it shows me is that you're lazy…and that's just not a desirable quality. It's like me not having a job or something. There's quite enough room in the satchel you carry for lotion. I mean, there's toddlers and shit in those bags…how the fuck don't you have room for some Vaseline? Straight up...and as much as some of these bitches (I mean the actual bitches, not ladies...smh forgive me...) pop off at the mouth and get into fights, you would think Vaseline and a few locks would be floating somewhere at the top of the jumble purse rotation. Put the Vaseline to it's proper use...the locks? Get your Jadakiss on...*does the dance* Then there's a whole thing about having ugly feet. "You know niggas know, but they act like they don't know. You know what I mean? Like, niggas know…and you know they know, but they act like they don't know. So you act like you don't know that you know that they know…but niggas know!" (Thanx, Fab) Shit is pathetic. Wear the peep toe joints if you know your foot game is terrible. I like those…most of the time. I can't come out the crib with fucked up shoes on. What makes you think you can come out with a fucked up foot? You can't. Stop it. You just have to realize that it's one of those things. Niggas whose hair doesn't grow can't get dreads, fat niggas can't show off their six packs, skinny niggas can't show off their beer belly, and nappy headed niggas can't show off their waves. Why? BECAUSE THEY DON'T GOT 'EM. You don't have pretty feet, pretty toes, or even pretty toe skin. From your ankle on down should be covered 100% of the time like Jacko's kids' faces. Teef's Rant: Different Much? This is something I will never understand. I didn't go to my prom because I hated my school as much as I love me. I kinda wanted to go…but fuck it. This is a reason to NOT go: Why is it that when a girl is going to prom or some special event with a date, they change up everything you ever might have liked about them? I asked you, not that person who just answered the door. I love you with your no make up, nice hair do, no fake nails and sensibly dressed. Why the fuck do you think I want to go out with the exact opposite? You think that shit looks better…it doesn't. Be you, because I like you. The make up thing is what kills me the most though. I don't like make up at all…unless you REALLY need that shit, in which case I wouldn't talk to you anyway…but yea, I don't like make up. Why do you think putting it on when we're going to the Catalina Wine Mixer is a good idea? I like/love the person I've been dating all this time and then you bring this strange person with strange shit on to the date? That's like me growing a fro and bleaching my dark skin because we're about to go to prom together. The curly, pressed, up 'do shit that all girls seem to do when they're about to do something special isn't what's really good. I don't and never have thought that shit was cute. No guy does actually…stop it, stupid. Why change what got you here? It just doesn't make sense to me…